It's for you who found it, from nobody means for yourself

I'm not writing this because I want to suicide or have a real disease. I write this to you who found it, I've ever be there real in the world. Till I wrote this, I still don't understand to whom I was meaningful.

When I face myself in the mirror while combing my tangled curly hair, I see that little girl with a messy mind and start crying. Like I have been thinking this whole life. She suffered so much, yet happiness finds a small measure to be done. I am not an artist, a celebrity, an inspiring figure yet a successful money maker. But many people have their hard time in life, some even end up still hard to be alive easily. Ijust want to flush it out by write this memo. And this is my story...

I am the oldest of my family and the only daughter that she had. I have brothers. I never tell people about it, even my husband. What's the real number of my brothers were. They are three, not only one. I'm so scared to death to tell about it. The rest two has very young age, even the lastest were born when I was 22 yo. It's quite intrigue. I have many allegation, they might not gonna believe it's my brother. Now I still have that heavy in my mind. The lastest been adopted by my high school English teacher, I hope he lives happily with his new family out there. The third lived with my mom, in my hometown with my step-dad. And the second been somewhere I'll never tell, he's alive.
My dad passed away when I was 22, when my latest brother just born. I lost that part of memory because my brain refuse to remember it. Human's brain will protect its cell by removing the most negative part of memory to prevent from damage. So I ran away from my responsibility to Capital and living my life there for at least one year until I brave my self to contact home.
Facing a reality that my lovely home been sold by her and she got hit by her own brother by running away our money from selling the home. The rest of money, she bought a small house, under-qualified house. Then things happen again, that I am so mad at her, then agree that my smallest brother been adopted and she re-married again with my step-dad. I can't hate him, I have not any single reason. I just question myself, what made you into this decision without asking me first if I agree or not, have you ever figure out that I mean something to welcome someone with head-role in our family? I wonder no is the answer, maybe I've never existed in you life mom.
Two years of that tumbled time, I conclude that I don't need to check myself to psychiatric anymore, I have mental issues. I don't know what they categorized it, bipolar or self-symptom or  schizophrenia or anything hell I don't care about the name. That I am sick. I need to help myself.

So I met this man, I throw him stones and he's not pushing back. It's my time to regret. I'll give it to him. A thing called love. I'll start to learn it. He might not that boy who I love the most but going out  somewhere else, he might not that boy who admit he had also 'mental issues' but the truth is he's just ashamed he's with me or the boy who I think my bestfriend but end-up with who (I think too) my girl-bestfriend and hide it behind my back this whole time.

A letter about disgraceful of my parents

A letter to no direction. I am an orphan. I came to a house when I have nothing left by my side. I am the poorest thing in the world with shameless face asking for sorry so I can stay under a roof and get my regular meal. I can stand with smooth moking, I am okay. I can accept if some think I can do nothing, because it's truly. I'm trying and I always fell on it.
But my soul is free, I untie to anything. I am not afraid to lost in somewhere I don't know. I am not afraid of anything, except unloved. That's my father told me. I should be brave on everything. But I am not brave enough to express my madness and my disappointment. I never can cry in front of people easily. I trust some people to cry along with. He never told me that, but he knows I'll go to my room or bathroom to cry out loud.
I may look not cautious of everything, barely careless and not so expressive. I can't show love easily. No, I've never taught about that. A man can't teach details of feeling. I may grow as a woman, but I feel alike my soul is unbreakable like a man. I so like to talk about my father, he makes me talk much until I forget  what am I supposed to do actually. He's very great sample about parenting, I only have one figure in my mind about a parent. My father. So if anybody say about my parents, I figure out my father. That careless, thoughtless and stubborn girl who born under his blood is not always his reflection. He's perfect for me.
I really respect everybody's parent, so this lately I'd like to become easily mad to my neighbour kids whose really madly unmannered. So I blame his parents for not teaching him well. Now, it's the Karma goes around to me.
I am sorry not sorry for what I've never done. And I think I don't deserve to be judged. But it's okay if you want to see me as low as you want. But please this is the first time my parents being included to my messy life, please don't bring him up. He's not there in the world anymore. He took no responsibility to anything I've done, my attitude, my mistake, my deed or my bad. Not anything. I don't hurt, I'm just sad if he knew about this, I don't want to see him cry again. He's not there with me. So please don't bring up my parents to this. I am so sorry, I'll apologize if it can erase my parents name from this situation. I am sorry. I don't hurt.

Perempuan: Tak Dibuku Manapun

Aku benci aku tau segalanya sebelum waktunya, aku benci aku tak bisa menangis. Karena kesedihan adalah perasaan yang salah. Aku diam, sebenarnya aku telah tau banyak.
Dia tak mengenaliku, sangat
Aku adalah tempat terjauh yang terbaik untukmu kabur
dari bagaimana patah hatinya engkau karena dia
Dia mematahkan hatimu berkali-kali, sangat
dan kau menolak cintaku, aku tak peduli
karena aku sakit dan mencukur rambutku hingga hampir botak

Dia membenciku, sangat
aku mengambil apa yang miliknya ketika kau pergi jauh dari nya
Lalu dia datang kembali padamu dan kau berpaling padaku
Bagaimana dengan kau yang kutinggal pergi ke pantai selatan
Di puncak gunung Papandayan kau koyak cinta dan kepercayaan
Apa kau pernah tanya aku terluka? Sangat

Perempuan, tak pernah ada di buku manapun
tertulis tentang sesuatu yang benar, tentang dia
tapi semua mengaguminya, semua rela melakukan apapun untuknya
apa aku bukan perempuan bagi kalian?
lalu apa aku? batu?

Dia adalah jawaban Tuhan atas pertanyaanku, sekian lama
kau mungkin tak ingin berkata apapun padaku saat ini, dan dia

Aku benci aku tau segalanya sebelum waktunya, aku benci aku tak bisa menangis. Karena kesedihan adalah perasaan yang salah. Aku diam, sebenarnya aku telah tau banyak.